The city breathes in half-light, suspended between consciousness and dream. I am a fracture—split between two selves that cannot reconcile, cannot exist without the other. The dreamer and the cynic, locked in an eternal dance of destruction and hope.

I think about connection—how we spend our lives reaching out, knowing full well the futility of the gesture. The underground man knew this. The romantic dreamer refuses to accept it. And I? I am the space between their certainties.

Memory is not linear here. It coils and uncoils like smoke, like the streets that wind through this twilight city. I remember a woman glimpsed once, years ago—or was she a dream? The dreamer in me constructed entire worlds around a single glance, while the cynic ruthlessly dismantled each romantic fabrication. We are storytellers, all of us, spinning narratives to survive the unbearable silence of existence.

What terrifies me is not loneliness, but the possibility that loneliness might be our most honest state. That all human connection is but a temporary illusion we collectively agree to maintain. The white nights reveal this—neither day nor night, neither real nor imagined.

I’ve stopped trying to distinguish between what I remember and what I’ve invented. The boundaries blur. A conversation I might have had, a love I might have lost, a self I might have been—they all exist simultaneously in this suspended moment.

The underground man would laugh at my sentimentality. The dreamer would weep at his cynicism. And I continue to walk, to write, to exist in the margin between their truths.

Some nights, the city feels like a living organism. Its streets pulse with unspoken stories, with the collective unconscious of every person who has ever felt simultaneously connected and utterly alone. I am listening. Always listening.

I am writing this to prove I exist. To mark my presence in this liminal space where identity dissolves and reforms with each breath. The city is my witness. The streets are my confession.

My pen moves. My heart stutters between belief and disbelief. And still, these white nights continue—indifferent, infinite, eternal.

i just realize that i never stare at you right in the eye for more than 5 seconds. except for that time, in the noodle shop. what were you talking again? i really forgot. i only focus on you deep dark pupil. your eyes smile when our meals finally arrived. i think that was the cutest thing i’d ever witnessed.

i remember we were pretending to be someone else. i was a Fernando, and you were… what’s your name again?? i only remember your pink lips, your short hair, your ear piercing. the way you babying an orange cat that roaming the noodle shop.

~

months passed, but i still remember that date. movie, noodle shop, and coffee (plus a blueberry puff). i’m not gonna hide any feeling from you anymore, but that day was probably my favorite. we laughed and shared each other stories. the only thing that was missing was probably a kiss. i don’t care whether it was a peck, or a long smooth intimate kiss. yup, a kiss would be nice.

i fully understand that you consider what we share is just a fling. for me it’s always 50:50. half of me says that i need you in my life. i need you so bad that i would move a mountain for you. hell, i would kill somebody for you! but the other half says that you already belong to someone else. not me, not even yourself. i just cant stand your empty promises or your baseless lies. i still don’t know what you were hiding. was it a body, or a somebody?

~

right now, there is nothing in the world i want the most except to see your beautiful eyes.

maybe, and just maybe…

one last glance into your sorry eyes.

there are no stars tonight
only thick clouds roaming above this town
I see red clouds
sometimes orange
sometimes pale grey
reflecting every color this city can offer tonight

I can see one star
sparkling dimly in the northern sky
its light has to fight the thick clouds
that block its way into my eyes
as the wind blows
guiding the clouds
like packs of sheep floating in the sky

my watch says it’s 2 am
I can hear clearly
the sound of a water pump
from the house next door
and the stray cats
meowing in sync

tonight is not a quiet night
as I thought it would be

I’m here sitting
with a cig in my left hand
a glass of rum in my right hand
expecting the voices in my head
to be as loud as it can get

I’m waiting
to have a conversation with my demon
one on one
vis-à-vis

but here I am
not even a single demonic voice come out of my head

even my demons do not want to face me
they leave me hanging
on this gloomy night
in my own void

“Pretty, isn’t it?” I asked, as I gazed up at the night sky.

“Huh? What do you mean?” she replied, her eyes fixed on her ice cream.

“The stars”
“Can you see those stars that look like a kite?”

“They all look the same to me”

“There.”
“Just follow where my fingertips”

“Oh, I see it”

~

I was just a kid back then – I was 6 or probably 5, perched on the back of my dad’s aging motorcycle. The road appeared blurry as we sped along, but the night sky was crystal clear. I was fixated on a particular constellation that looked like a kite. As we rode back home through the dark road, I only focused on that kite constellation, wondering what happened out there – beyond the night sky. That was probably my first memory about the stars.

Years passed, and I found myself on a mountain with my friends. At the summit, we gathered around a bonfire beneath a star-studded sky. Despite the rain during our ascent, the sky had cleared, and the stars shone brightly 2500 meters above sea level. We sipped warm tea, shared stories and laughter while gazing to billion of stars above us. The bonfire’s warmth barely reached us, but the stories we shared warmed our hearts.

I also remembered gloomy day at the beach not so long ago. It was one evening on the beach with my former love, under the radiance of a full moon. The night was devoid of many stars, and we were in the midst of a silent argument. Few words were exchanged, but the crashing waves spoke volumes about our situation. The sea breeze carried a mix of tension and longing.

~

And then, in the hustle and bustle of my work life, I realized how seldom I looked up at the night sky. I faced the impending workdays, one after another. The city’s lights had become my stars, twinkling on screens and as I passed by streetlamps. With a beer in my left hand and a cigarette in my right I yearned to fill the void in my life. In the midst of chaos and uncertainty, I wonder if the stars still sparkled above or if they had migrated to the screens and city lights I now traversed.

There is a girl
she resembles the spring
she resembles a red flower

even during the summer
when the flower fell and the buds turned red,
the girl was not forgotten

But that was not true

The girl resembles the summer

The girl was afraid
that she might resemble the cold winter
and that she might be cut by the chill

When the spring comes,
will you be the spring one more time?

P.S. happy birthday!

So…
Is that all?

Yeah, exactly what you asked for.
Fifty exotic birds from our holy land.

All of them are in healthy condition.
Exactly what you asked for.

They are the best you can get
out of this land.

. . .

Now, show me the package

Let me check the birds first.

. . .

Alright!
Seems like all of them are healthy.

Boys, open up the cargo!

. . .

Fifty assault rifles,
used but of course still in good condition.
Tons of ammo for every guns.

Oh, I also give you some explosives,
as a bonus.

You two,
go check the package!

. . .

Right,
I think those will definitely work
for tomorrow.

Okay, so…
Do we have a deal?

Alright,
Deal!

. . .

HAHAHA

Isn’t that funny,
you basically try to buy your independence
by selling the most exotic birds in the world
which only live in your holy land?

I don’t care!

WE do not care!
AT ALL!

You guys can have all the birds you want,
we choose to get our independence!

Alright,
pleasure doing business with you guys!

. . .

A year ago, I found myself deeply immersed in the coffee world, not just as a barista at a local coffee shop but as an active participant in a vibrant coffee community. It was a fascinating experience, engaging in conversations that spanned from the origins of coffee beans, talking about the journey from farmer to consumer, to the fine details of brewing methods and competitions. We spent countless hours discussing which beans stood out, which coffee shops were a must-visit, and which baristas were making waves in the local and national scenes. Through these rich experiences, I encountered several coffees that left a deep impression on me.

Yellow Argopuro – Natural (Blanco Coffee)

My first encounter with a truly remarkable specialty coffee came through Yellow Argopuro from Blanco Coffee. This Arabica was a revelation—heavy-bodied with sweet notes and a long-lasting aftertaste that lingered pleasantly. Intrigued by its complexity, I experimented with different brewing ratios and found that a 70:30 balance brought out a delightful fruity aroma, a lighter body, and a pronounced sweetness, all leading to a clean, satisfying finish.

Blanco Coffee’s official tasting notes describe Yellow Argopuro as having hints of tangerine, crème brûlée, and palm sugar. For me, it was the first time I tasted a specialty coffee that truly captivated my senses, setting a high standard for every coffee I would taste afterward.

Areka Yirgacheffe Ethiopia – Washed (Epic Coffee)

This was another standout moment in my coffee journey—a V60 brew of Areka Yirgacheffe Ethiopia from Epic Coffee. This 90+ specialty coffee was an elegant masterpiece, a “floral bomb” aroma that exploded with a strong fruity-berry flavors, followed by a clean, crisp aftertaste. What made this coffee so special was the clarity of its flavors: the floral hints were strikingly aromatic, and as soon as the coffee hit my palate, the fruity notes shone through vividly.

I tasted this coffee alongside a Honduras variety, also a 90+ specialty coffee. While the Honduras was good, it couldn’t quite match the unforgettable experience of the Yirgacheffe. The Ethiopian coffee had a grace and complexity that made it a truly exceptional cup.

Hot Cappuccino – Seasonal Beans: Tirowali (Langit Senja Kopi)

Among the many cappuccinos I’ve tasted, one that stood out was made from Tirowali’s seasonal beans at Langit Senja. This particular brew offered a captivating floral aroma, reminiscent of jasmine, with a hint of fruity citrus notes. What made this cappuccino remarkable was its incredible sweetness and silky texture, delivering a delightful experience in every sip.

I couldn’t quite place whether the shot used was a single ristretto or a double, but the result was a cup that perfectly balanced the floral and fruity elements, making it a memorable coffee experience.

Gesha Village Coffee Lot 65 (Cupping Room Roasters)

Gesha coffee holds an almost mythical status among coffee enthusiasts, often hailed as the pinnacle of specialty coffee. When I finally got my hands on a lot from Gesha Village Lot 65 from Cupping Room Roasters, my anticipation was through the roof. I had heard so much about the unparalleled complexity and the delicate, yet bold flavors that characterize Gesha beans. The moment I brewed the coffee, the aroma alone was rich and layered. As I took my first sip, I was greeted by a symphony of flavors—each note clear and distinct. The cup had a refined balance of sweetness, acidity, and body, all working together to create a coffee experience that was nothing short of extraordinary. It was the kind of coffee that makes you pause, take another sip, and then savor the moment.

However, as much as I appreciated the sheer quality of the Gesha Village coffee, it didn’t leave me as awestruck. I believe this was largely due to the expectations I had going into it. Knowing that Gesha is considered “A+/God tier” coffee beans, I was already primed to expect something incredible, so when it delivered exactly that, the element of surprise was missing. Nevertheless, it was a superb coffee, worth every bit of its fame.

The Joker: Halu Pink Banana

Now, let’s talk about the odd one out—Halu Pink Banana. I have a love-hate relationship with this coffee, leaning more towards the latter. It’s not that the beans were bad; they just didn’t live up to the hype for me. The roastery touted Halu Pink Banana as one of their “divas” because of its unique tasting notes, which included banana, vanilla, maple syrup, strawberry, mango, and butter.

However, when I tried it (from their cafe), the banana flavor, which was supposed to be the star, didn’t hit the mark for me. Instead of a pleasant surprise, it left me disappointed, as the flavors didn’t harmonize as well as I had hoped. It’s a coffee that some people might love for its distinctiveness, but for me, it was more of a miss than a hit.

The Person

She was the embodiment of ethereal beauty. It started with her soothing eyes. Her eyes, they were hazelnut with a bit of starry spark that held a hint of stardust within them every time she’s exited about something. Then her glasses. if I’m not mistaken, one lens calibrated at 1.5 and the other at 2. She had two glasses but my favorite was the one with the brown, round frames, which seemed to harmonize perfectly with the hues of her eyes, framing them like a work of art. Her style was distinct, her wardrobe adorned with cozy cardigans and shoes that hinted at her effortless elegance.

But it wasn’t just her appearance that drew me in. It was her laughter, a melodic symphony that could brighten even the darkest of days, and the way she talked while munching on snacks. Her habits, quirks, and all the little details that made her who she was had me utterly enchanted. She wasn’t just a pretty face; she was a whole masterpiece etched into my heart.

The Feeling

Around you, I experienced a peculiar mix of emotions that I struggled to put into words. I felt safe yet vulnerable, a paradox that revealed itself each time we were together. Normally, I always have my guard up, locked behind thick walls to protect myself, but with you, it was as though you held the key to unlock my defenses. In your presence, I found myself in a sanctuary, a place of refuge where the turmoil of the outside world couldn’t penetrate. It was a haven, a shelter from the emotional battlefield I often faced.

Believe it or not you had this uncanny ability to turn my world upside down without even trying. One moment, I felt a sense of abandonment, as though the ground beneath my feet had given way, but then, just as swiftly, you would pull me close, hug me tight, and pour me your affection. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, a tumultuous ride that I couldn’t help but willingly join. With you, I wasn’t just standing at the edge of the abyss; I was dancing on its precipice.

The Memories

There was that afternoon, driving in your car, our fingers grazing as we spoke of our dreams, each word we shared strengthening our bond. Your laughter rippled through the air, reaching into my soul and stirring emotions I never knew existed. And then came that kiss, an electric spark that left a lasting imprint. The way your hand fit perfectly in mine, and the sweet taste of your lips – sweet as watermelon.

The late-night strolls through the quiet streets of the city, fingers intertwined. It was as though time itself had slowed down, and the world existed solely for the two of us. The stolen glances, the inside jokes, and the way your eyes sparkled when you looked at me soothing away the worries of the world.

One unforgettable day at the beach, the setting sun casting a warm, golden hue, we had our first serious conversation. It was the moment when our souls laid bare, the vulnerabilities shared, and secrets revealed. We tried to unravel each other’s minds, venturing deeper into our emotions. It was in that conversation that you gave me a warning, a caution not to fall for you, but I couldn’t help but ignore it. That time your words echoed like a distant whisper, making the decision to stay or leave all the more complicated. Each memory we created leaving an indelible mark on my heart.

The Broke

February 12th.
“You swore you’d always communicate openly.”

Yet the silences grew louder, and words of reassurance turned into prolonged periods of ambiguity.

Somewhere in May.
“You promised to watch a concert of your favorite band. I had bought 2 tickets, but one day before the concert you said you didn’t want to go.”

I went. Only to saw you with another man, hands intertwined.

End of June.
“You said that we should see each other again.”

You lied. Leaving me behind with a sense of abandonment.

It is Sol-1265. Now everything is different from the last time you saw me. I am standing somewhere in a far far away island. Hell, I am at another world right now.

Today is just like one of those days, when I wander around the sea of memories. Fragments that ties all my life – my previous life when I’m standing right beside you. Place where all my happy, sad, and every moment happens, before I decided to go 225 million kilometers from you. I bet everything, all my life – even my soul on this journey. Six months roaming across vast void space. I always feel amazed and scared at the same time when I think the fact that there’s literally nothing and how empty it was out there. No sunshine, no sea wind, no bird chirps, no life, no nothing.

I never thought I would get away from this very beautiful place. A place which I can feel life is everywhere. The river, the forest, the deep blue ocean. Everything is full of life. You gave birth to a beautiful life, and make everything live in harmony. A place I can feel peace and joy and happy and safe.

It is a safe heaven.
YOU are a safe heaven.

Tonight, I look up at the sky trying to find you – the blue-green planet that in the past I ever called it home among millions of celestial things scattered in this very vast universe. A distant sun rises over this reddened lands. Lights up every inch of this red planet. The craters, the slopes, the red dirt, our settlement stations, our rockets. Every day is a battle against the planet.

This place is a battlefield. One hell of a place I call it home, for now.

Today is just like one of those days, when I reminiscing all the good memories when we were together. There is always a desire to go back, leaving all the madness in this red lands behind. Until that day comes, I will finish all my works and make sure the rocket is in good shape.

Until that day comes.

p.s. Congraduation!

Imagine you are a cosmonaut for Mars colonization mission. One day, you and your rover are strolling around the red planet for daily observation. Suddenly you encounter a strange thing. Its shape doesn’t look like normal martian rocks, and it surely doesn’t look like a “normal” living organism either.

So, what is it?
Can you decide whether that thing is an extra-terrestrial living organism or just another martian rock?

...

One of human’s quest in this cosmic exploration era is finding our neighbors. Until this day, there is no solid evidence that we have ever encountered any extra-terrestrial living organism. Despite a lot of conspiration theory about Area 51, UFO and other Alien theory, the real – public reports stay big zero.

In Mars colonization mission that I mention earlier, it is very hard to recognize extra-terrestrial living organism when the cosmonaut has ever found one. The cosmonaut is a normal human being just like us. And we, human, tend to see and perceive things using human perspective and knowledge.

There are some characteristics that we use to define living organism. They are Growth, Respiration, Movement, Excretion, and Reproduction. These characteristics are based on our observations towards living organism on planet earth. It’s most likely that extra-terrestrial living organisms are utterly different from organisms live on earth. The structures, the characteristics, the behavior, the senses, everything can be different.

Most earth’s life form are carbon-based. We just cannot say that extra-terrestrial living organism would be carbon-based as well. We should be aware that everything’s possible. They may be iron-based like Optimus Prime and the Autobots. Or they may be sulphur-based and having acid blood just like Xenomorph in Alien franchise.

Mentioning my previous post, a life form can create order from its chaotic surrounding. One thing that make life form a “life form” is having optimum, even low entropy level. But, how low? At which level we can say that it is an optimum entropy level to call it a life form? Earth’s life form may have different entropy level from outer-earth’s life form. We don’t know their mechanism to maintain their entropy level at optimum level. And until now and as far as I know, we still don’t have any sensors to measure entropy level on living organism.

We are in a very weird scenario. We are looking for something we don’t even know what we are looking for

It’s easy when it’s easy

Imagine this:
You stroll around city park on Sunday afternoon. As you walk towards the bench near you, you saw Jabba the Hutt, or Megatron. You can easily say that they are Aliens. They have limbs (I know Jabba doesn’t have legs but he has arms, so it still count), and they have face. They have some similarities with us, but they’re also utterly different from us.

I’d say that it is an “I’ll know it when I see and observe it for some time” phenomenon.

Back on the Mars colonization mission I mention earlier, if I encounter that strange thing, I cannot tell whether it is a Martian Alien or just a Martian strange rock. I just cannot recognize what is that. But, if I can put it on the rover and take it to the base station, I can do some observation to it, maybe running some non-destructive test as well. Later on, after some observations and tests, I can tell whether it is an alien life form or not based on the tests’ results.

For decades, human have launched many space probes to discover other life form outside our planet. Voyager 1 carrying The Golden Record into the outer solar system, hoping that by any chance Voyager 1 encounter extra-terrestrial life form, they can learn something about planet earth. Don’t forget about Mars. Humans are obsessed with this red planet. It is located in the Goldilocks Zone, and some scientist at NASA say that there might be some kind of ancient life form. Opportunity rover is the first rover to land on mars. Then there is Curiosity rover that landed in 2011, and InSight mission is the latest probe that successfully land on Mars. We even built the largest radio telescope in China.

All of these efforts that humans have done, and still zero solid evidence about our living neighbor.

Where is everybody? Do we actually have neighbor?

Footnote: back on another episode of answering my biophysics assignment. This entry is my answer for question numero tres: How can you recognize extra-terrestrial living organism when you find them?